So I'm now at the point where I have to stop liking where I am (a place I have grown used to), assess what I have, set a direction to take, strategize and start moving. I have no allowance for denial or procrastination.
I used to see this as an exciting phase integral to my personal development. I looked forward to making changes, especially when it became obvious that I had to move on. I had this tendency to start getting antsy once I started getting used to a place or a situation -- a really low threshold for routine. I had myself and my habits down pat, and I loved how I had a semblance of control over my life.
Living with a husband, then with kids tempered all that. I initially attempted to retain control over my new life, only to discover I can only go so far. As much as we're similar because we belong to one family, different sets of opinions and preferences abound. It used to hurt that they didn't always agree with the changes I wanted, but I've learned to accept this part of our system. It comes with the territory. Squabbles, whining, dragging of feet. Because in the end, we have to come down to a decision -- even if it has to be enforced.
So, in a way, it became more difficult to make changes. I can no longer think -- I don't like it here, time to move on. Or I like it here, I'm staying a bit. We have to move as a pack, squabbles, whining, dragging of feet and all, even if maintaining the status quo is frequently the easiest, most peaceful option. Even if the status quo is a mindless turning of morning to evening, to the next morning and so on.
So that's the place I've gotten used to. And I've developed some pretty nasty habits to keep me company, like, whirling through every day. Tiring myself out so I don't need to sit in the quiet and experience emotions beyond short bouts of gladness, irritation, anger, exhaustion.
Now, though, with more developments than I can keep track of, we have to really start making big decisions, like it or not. My... our (can't take one without the other) lives have changed tremendously the past months and we can no longer stay where we are. A part of me rejoices (I need to contradict myself here -- have been getting the antsy feeling again, I must admit) with the prospects, while another part of me dreads the process.
The kids are growing, and not just in size. Our lifestyle is changing at the same time prices are going up. We have to move to a bigger home, another city, find a new school for the girls, re-package and renew my business, have personal talks with each child, address all the emotional issues and urgent requests (or demands) ... and the clock is ticking.
I want to just stop and survey everything to better appreciate and have clearer snapshots -- or mind videos -- of all that is happening. I want to attach specific emotions to each moment. Marvel, sigh, cry a bit, cry a lot, laugh... scream even. I want to get excited. But I hear the ticking of the clock and I feel overwhelmed and pressured to keep moving and do everything to ensure everything turns out right. Arggghhhhh!
Change. I wish I could live in every step of the way -- not just get to the next phase, whirling, then wonder how I got there and mourn over what I've missed. And I intend to *enter Chariots of Fire theme*. So I'll start with something to motivate me. I'll take wise old Rafiki'
s word -- change is good, even if it hurts.
I used to see this as an exciting phase integral to my personal development. I looked forward to making changes, especially when it became obvious that I had to move on. I had this tendency to start getting antsy once I started getting used to a place or a situation -- a really low threshold for routine. I had myself and my habits down pat, and I loved how I had a semblance of control over my life.
Living with a husband, then with kids tempered all that. I initially attempted to retain control over my new life, only to discover I can only go so far. As much as we're similar because we belong to one family, different sets of opinions and preferences abound. It used to hurt that they didn't always agree with the changes I wanted, but I've learned to accept this part of our system. It comes with the territory. Squabbles, whining, dragging of feet. Because in the end, we have to come down to a decision -- even if it has to be enforced.
So, in a way, it became more difficult to make changes. I can no longer think -- I don't like it here, time to move on. Or I like it here, I'm staying a bit. We have to move as a pack, squabbles, whining, dragging of feet and all, even if maintaining the status quo is frequently the easiest, most peaceful option. Even if the status quo is a mindless turning of morning to evening, to the next morning and so on.
So that's the place I've gotten used to. And I've developed some pretty nasty habits to keep me company, like, whirling through every day. Tiring myself out so I don't need to sit in the quiet and experience emotions beyond short bouts of gladness, irritation, anger, exhaustion.
Now, though, with more developments than I can keep track of, we have to really start making big decisions, like it or not. My... our (can't take one without the other) lives have changed tremendously the past months and we can no longer stay where we are. A part of me rejoices (I need to contradict myself here -- have been getting the antsy feeling again, I must admit) with the prospects, while another part of me dreads the process.
The kids are growing, and not just in size. Our lifestyle is changing at the same time prices are going up. We have to move to a bigger home, another city, find a new school for the girls, re-package and renew my business, have personal talks with each child, address all the emotional issues and urgent requests (or demands) ... and the clock is ticking.
I want to just stop and survey everything to better appreciate and have clearer snapshots -- or mind videos -- of all that is happening. I want to attach specific emotions to each moment. Marvel, sigh, cry a bit, cry a lot, laugh... scream even. I want to get excited. But I hear the ticking of the clock and I feel overwhelmed and pressured to keep moving and do everything to ensure everything turns out right. Arggghhhhh!
Change. I wish I could live in every step of the way -- not just get to the next phase, whirling, then wonder how I got there and mourn over what I've missed. And I intend to *enter Chariots of Fire theme*. So I'll start with something to motivate me. I'll take wise old Rafiki'
s word -- change is good, even if it hurts. 
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