channeling Dear Abby

"...I can't control nobody but me. So if you care, let them work it out..."

Comforting words in this Sergio Mendes song. I wish I could just let things and people be...

Is it meddling? Is it trying to run their lives? Is it attempting to delay if not completely change the course of the inevitable? People come to you and share a dilemma, a run-in or argument with someone, something that's been bugging them -- what do you do?



As an older sister, and the first-born female of the first born in our family, I have grown up with people wanting to consult me on some thing or another.

"Red or blue?"

"Should I, you think?"

"What do you think?"

"What do I do?"

"What would you do?"

"Should I go?"

"Which is better?"

"Why is it this way?"

You get the picture. I would always oblige, of course. (Unless, the seniors were the ones consulting the little miss -- then you knew by instinct that the questions were rhetorical.)

Even as I grew to realize that I was more like a sounding board or a doormat, wanting to help out, solve a problem, or give advice had already become natural -- then a habit. *Hey, wait a minute, I believe this is how my coffee drinking habit was born and nurtured -- problem solving over a cup of coffee!*

I couldn't not do -- or say -- anything. It's a real challenge not to be able to do or say something. There's this sense of responsibility that just won't let me sit back and let some people throw their lives away, or into some perilous path, or get the red shirt when it does nothing for their skin tone.

What do I do with this four decades-old sense of concern that I sometimes wish I could just turn off?

I have to remind myself that sometimes they just want to hear their own voices to be able to help sort their tangled mess out. Sometimes they really just need to unburden themselves.

So, then, should I just nod at the politically correct points, and occasionally interject with:

"Uh-huh...yes... "

"m-hmmm,"

"ooh-la-lah."

"really?"

"you didn't!"

"seriously."

"oh no!"

What do I do with the burden that was passed on to me? The crisis that just became my own? The dilemma that I take to bed to mull over till the skies turn blue?

What do I do when I lose them at, "You know, maybe you should..." and they jump up and remember they had something they had to do?

Seriously. I should really just learn to let them work it out... and take away something from the ironically uplifting tempo of the song. It really shouldn't be a big thing.

And, really, they probably just like talking to me. A habit, too, I guess. So I'm not just about to implore, just like the song: "so, tell me no more..." I've grown so used to hearing them out, no matter how frustrated and exhausted the consults leave me at times. It's sort of a co-dependency.

What do you think I should do? *wink,wink*?

My top five indicators that they don't really need my answers:

1. Their eyes get this glazed look when it's your turn to speak.
2. They're really miserable, no matter what "solution" you come up with. Let them have the moment!
3. They stick to their solution which was, just moments ago, "the most stupid thing" they ever thought of.
4. They get the red shirt even if they thought the blue one was worth considering.
5. They begin to look hostile and defensive with each point you raise to help straighten the tangle they heaped at your feet.