There's still a bit of the breakfast and mid-morning caffeine in my system, hence the ability of my fingers to traipse over the keyboard, but I feel the birth of a nasty headache really in 8cm dilation now, so even that may be gone in a bit. My system is already on withdrawal. I hear a feeble voice in my brain calling out: I need the buzz... I need the buzz... I... neeeeeed... the... buuuuzzzzz. ! But I can't get myself to get up from where I am to get moving.
More than loving the beverage, I see this as not a good sign that I lack passion in my life -- at the moment, at least. Why do I need something like coffee to keep me going? The appeal and excitement of what I was looking as my --- the the entire fam's -- moving on to our next phase is simply not doing anything for me.
Maybe I should just sit here and wait. Be still and listen to more of what's happening around me. My proactiveness has lost its ability to make an impact on some people anyway. And lately, I can't seem to help or even do anything about cases and concerns people love to heap at my feet to "untangle", "solve", "handle", "smile at or about".
This just waiting around or loafing around is just a bit too much for me, but what if... I just stay where I am and stop making things happen for me and for those around me? Just for a bit?
Let me just think about the top things that make me feel like pausing a bit to smile and enjoy:
- Images of my kids when they were babies who needed me. Even more fun was when they were these smart, articulate, wonderful, and amazing toddlers.
- Watching all those fabulously creative chefs and cooks on TV.
- The thought of a sale and money that I have in my bank account to answer that particular call.
- The feeling of driving on the freeway.
- Sleep.
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