finding comfort in knowing even just a bit

I find myself sometimes agonizing over things I cannot fix. It's difficult being a control freak in a world where you are not the director. Not even the scriptwriter. Thank God for everyday microcosms: my work desk, my work, my family -- no strike that -- , my quiet time in the bathroom, where I have even just a modicum of control.

I tried to fix a printer that won't work earlier today. Everyone just gave up and said, "we bought a bad one."
I just kept going over the steps as directed, trying to spot something we may have missed. I went over solutions online and in the manual, making sure I got it, even as I watched the ink meter going lower after each attempt at test printing. I finally got it to work, and not by trial and error. I sat back with a satisfied smile on my face, surrounded by paper I just wasted. There are two ways to see the finally-efficiently functioning printer and the sheets of paper:

1. Collateral damage. At least the printer's working now.
   
2. I tried. I really tried. And now it works.
   

I choose to look at it the second way. I'm the classic kid happily digging through a room knee-high in horse sh*t trying to find a pony.

I wish it were always that simple, though.  And that thought made me think about dealing with people everyday to get the job done. In parenting. In my relationship with my husband. In my relationships with family and friends. At work, meaning in PR. At work as a writer.

There are times when I really get so worked up when people I have to interact with don't respond the way I want or the way I expect them to, no matter how I try. Like when there is no logic behind their actions and reactions and they seem to just be unhappy, cranky, or displeased. Are they annoyed at my attempts? Do they care at all? Are they really mean? Are they being difficult on purpose? Don't they even hear me? Don't they believe me? Don't they *sob* like me?

Ah... the problem about wanting people to like me. It always gets in the way, and I forget, a lot of times. It turns my inside so much, I actually feel physical pain. But it's nothing to the pain of feeling so small and spurned.

But -- when I do have the luxury of time to ponder, or take the time to lick my wounds, or just sit and allow myself to heal (meaning have a cup of coffee, seethe a bit, cry a bit even, and take deep breaths), I get better. Here are the top 5 theories that help me snap out of my self pity and misery:

1. They don't mean to be mean. They're harassed, sleep deprived, have gas, or a nagging headache.
   
2. There is an 80% chance that while I am worrying about them hating me, they aren't even thinking about me. In many situations in my line of work, they don't even remember my name after running off with their press kit or whatever they needed from me.
   
3. They are just jealous of my hair, or shoes, or smile, or optimism. Comforting thought.
   
4. Their boyfriends don't love them. Their girlfriends boss them around. They didn't get enough or any. They didn't make enough to get their fave pair of shoes.
5. They must have a monster boss. At home or at work.

Believe me, even if it sounds like getting someone to kiss your booboo better, these 5 work. They're people after all, and what are the chances of their hating me over their probably just having had a horrible day? Some people just take it and imagine the meanie doing something really funny, some people channel happy childhood times and places, some people sing their favorite songs in their heads over and over. I try to understand, and yes, sometimes, rationalize.  That's my little fix-it trick.

Even in my own microcosmic situations, especially those involving people I cannot control, I can manage how much people poke my self esteem. Now, about world peace, that's such a big concept. Thank God for microcosms.