Turning Point

So I'm now at the point where I have to stop liking where I am (a place I have grown used to), assess what I have, set a direction to take, strategize and start moving. I have no allowance for denial or procrastination.

I used to see this as an exciting phase integral to my personal development. I looked forward to making changes, especially when it became obvious that I had to move on. I had this tendency to start getting antsy once I started getting used to a place or a situation -- a really low threshold for routine. I had myself and my habits down pat, and I loved how I had a semblance of control over my life.

Living with a husband, then with kids tempered all that. I initially attempted to retain control over my new life, only to discover I can only go so far. As much as we're similar because we belong to one family, different sets of opinions and preferences abound. It used to hurt that they didn't always agree with the changes I wanted, but I've learned to accept this part of our system. It comes with the territory. Squabbles, whining, dragging of feet. Because in the end, we have to come down to a decision -- even if it has to be enforced.

So, in a way, it became more difficult to make changes. I can no longer think -- I don't like it here, time to move on. Or I like it here, I'm staying a bit. We have to move as a pack, squabbles, whining, dragging of feet and all, even if maintaining the status quo is frequently the easiest, most peaceful option. Even if the status quo is a mindless turning of morning to evening, to the next morning and so on.

So that's the place I've gotten used to. And I've developed some pretty nasty habits to keep me company, like, whirling through every day. Tiring myself out so I don't need to sit in the quiet and experience emotions beyond short bouts of gladness, irritation, anger, exhaustion.

Now, though, with more developments than I can keep track of, we have to really start making big decisions, like it or not. My... our (can't take one without the other) lives have changed tremendously the past months and we can no longer stay where we are. A part of me rejoices (I need to contradict myself here -- have been getting the antsy feeling again, I must admit) with the prospects, while another part of me dreads the process.

The kids are growing, and not just in size. Our lifestyle is changing at the same time prices are going up. We have to move to a bigger home, another city, find a new school for the girls, re-package and renew my business, have personal talks with each child, address all the emotional issues and urgent requests (or demands) ... and the clock is ticking.

I want to just stop and survey everything to better appreciate and have clearer snapshots -- or mind videos -- of all that is happening. I want to attach specific emotions to each moment. Marvel, sigh, cry a bit, cry a lot, laugh... scream even. I want to get excited. But I hear the ticking of the clock and I feel overwhelmed and pressured to keep moving and do everything to ensure everything turns out right. Arggghhhhh!

Change. I wish I could live in every step of the way -- not just get to the next phase, whirling, then wonder how I got there and mourn over what I've missed. And I intend to *enter Chariots of Fire theme*. So I'll start with something to motivate me. I'll take wise old Rafiki's word -- change is good, even if it hurts.

In search of a true summer break

We intended, as we do every year, to enjoy this summer heading out of town, hitting a beach or two, learning new things about ourselves... basically showing the kids what life's about.

I, personally, was looking forward to spending more time with the kids, especially since the first three are crossing thresholds -- they grow so much in the summer! -- and it would only be a matter of time before they favor going out with friends or even staying home surfing the Internet or watching TV over going out with me and the hubby.

Visions of blogging and journaling activities, scrapbooking (my poor daughters have been waiting several summers for this to happen... *sigh*), or even some mini writing workshops kept me excited towards the end of their school year.

As things turned out, we have had some wake-up call situations to address first before even planning all these activities. Amidst the daily routine, squabbles, and adjustments to those going through hormonal and emotional adjustments in our household (more of this in my next blogs), hovering over our heads this summer is the urgent need to find good schools for our daughters to transfer to.

While we rejoice that our son, the eldest, has made it into one of the most prestigious exclusive traditional high schools after years in a non-traditional, artistic, laid-back and tolerant environment, we are apprehensive about making choices for the girls.

For our boy, the move is like stepping into another level in his life. The change is a good thing that'll put an end to long hair, dirty jeans and sneakers, for starters. It's time for some discipline to balance and prepare him for real life where it's not always okay to just be and do "whatever". That he will not necessarily always be in a secure, small fishbowl, but may sometimes find himself swimming with the big guys in an ocean.

During the emotionally moving graduation of our son last month, the value of moving on with friends you've known all your school life hit me. While the timing was right for him, our girls, on the other hand, will be pulled out of this small, relatively carefree and creatively nurturing environment, into what could possibly be a traumatic place. Our older daughter has two whole school years to go before high school, while the other has three. One is assertive, headstrong, impulsive and adventurous, the other obedient, docile, and in many ways still a baby.

This younger one, has grown very attached to classmates she has known since nursery school. The older one, while pretty tight with her posse, sees meeting new people and being in a new place like an adventure. She's even excited!

But, see, there's that possibility that the move might make an impact they don't need at this stage (you know what happens to new students in many schools). That they develop properly into their respective teenage phases with the least emotional and psychological trauma, is such a huge responsibility we never expected to address at this point, but it has been -- is it right to say, dumped? -- put into our lives nonetheless, and we must get on with making these enormous and delicate choices. And summer's not going to be here forever.... arggghhhhh!

It's been a long rollercoaster of a day with trips to the dentist, a drive back and forth to a party and sleepover -- one of our son's, "this may be the last time we will get together like this in years!" celebrations, tyding up the house, and racing to meet work deadlines. Now it's back to preparing dinner, one of life's daily realities! I'm in danger of putting off the task of planning this school hunt again.

I need to take a step... two steps!... back and go to the why's and the wherefore's. Put it all in perspective, and aim to make a sound judgement. I'll probably be able to sort it all out in my next break. Oops.