being still and letting life just happen

I am on a coffee break -- without the coffee. I just ran out, and no one else seems to care. I am super jonesing for it, but lacking the boost I get from it, I simply have nothing to get moving with.

There's still a bit of the breakfast and mid-morning caffeine in my system, hence the ability of my fingers to traipse over the keyboard, but I feel the birth of a nasty headache really in 8cm dilation now, so even that may be gone in a bit. My system is already on withdrawal. I hear a feeble voice in my brain calling out: I need the buzz... I need the buzz... I... neeeeeed... the... buuuuzzzzz. ! But I can't get myself to get up from where I am to get moving.

More than loving the beverage, I see this as not a good sign that I lack passion in my life -- at the moment, at least. Why do I need something like coffee to keep me going? The appeal and excitement of what I was looking as my --- the the entire fam's -- moving on to our next phase is simply not doing anything for me.

I Love NY... what the...?!

I have always dreamed of going to New York. I still dream of eventually getting there. Just a bit vaguely now. I can't remember when that bit of a dream began in my mind; I'm sure I was a child. How it got there and why I just never gave much thought to.

It must have been the influence of my Godmother, who moved to the big A when she was in her 20's -- right after she got her college degree, I believe. She would write, send postcards, send me trinkets and souvenirs, along with the usual presents for a little girl -- dolls and dresses. That must've been when I got bitten by the bug.

Hollywood films definitely did a lot to build the image in my mind into some place so intriguing I wanted to know more. Then the dream dug deep into my heart as well. As I grew, I just gravitated towards books about New York, or stories that were set there, especially as I was also growing to love ballet, theater, dining, and the cosmopolitan lifestyle.

And whadda ya know...

Be careful what you wish for...! I've been warned that too often.

In this particular case, the line is not ominous, because just as I was wishing and planning to slow things down a bit, make a few changes here and there, and commit to making lists, blessings have started come in.

Top of my lists

Along my journey of becoming who I am today -- not who I always thought I would be --, I dropped some good habits, acquired some bad habits, lost sight of the key result areas in my life, consequently neglecting to give priority to those which need attention and action from me the most.

What happened? How'd it happen? Was it in one single sweep, or did it slowly creep into my system?

I'd like to think I was organized, a bit impulsive but I had a strong head on my shoulders. A bit conceited but humble enough to acknowlege my mistakes and learn from them.

Now, just when I am supposed to be mature, at the ripe old decade when life "begins", I am generally just going with the flow, allowing myself to be swept this way and that way by life's daily dish for me, sometimes laughing the day off, sometimes, grumbling, but mostly just going, "wha...?" More appropriately, actually, I go, "what the...?!" Then on to the next day.

Is that being resilient? I don't think so. More like apathetic. Probably helpless. Or even resigned. *sigh* --- Ooops, there you go.

So today I make a decision. *enter theme from Rocky* -- I will grasp life by its flowing skirt, ride with it, but yank if I need to slow down or pause a bit. I will manually re-activate my five senses and appreciate what is happening and join in. I shall start by replacing the future tense- verbs in this paragraph. Grasping, check. Riding, check. Yanking, check. Reactivating, m-hmmm. Replaced, yes, go!