lists that make you go, "hmmmm"

I failed to credit life coach Martha Beck for some of the most interesting lists I've made. These are the ones in her book, "Finding Your Own North Star".

In this book, she used the list as tools to make the reader realize some truths which were possibly hidden or buried, consciously or otherwise, and to make some sense of the life's riddles. The book, and especially the lists, greatly helped me unearth information I either refused to acknowledge or just deliberately shoved into the back of my consciousness. It was not as easy as I anticipated to complete the lists in order to get to the results I sought. But there were benefits, and though they may not have included finding my own North Star, I did succeed in getting over some painful memories and rediscovering highs of my life.

I'm sure Martha has a valid and expert reason for the order and context in which these lists came, her aim being "helping you claim the life you were meant to live" -- making your essential self rule over your social (accepted, dictated, or pre-set you) self. I believe, though, that some of these could independently be helpful, even without needing to go through the entire North Star program. Here are my top five:

when it rains -- love it, hate it.

It's raining again. I'm not surprised; it is, after all, the only other season we have apart from the summer. I should get used to it, but I just can't.

I wonder if the rains were always this way. It just never seems to rain the same way twice (to borrow a bit from an old song about love). It's weird now, because (generally, at least) we get some sunshine in the morning till after lunch, then the dark clouds start making their entrance . Then it gets so hard to breathe, the air being so humid. A few rumbles of thunder, the rush of some (and I mean some) cool air, then it starts. It either all just comes crashing down, like someone emptying a heavy bucket of water, or it plays a little rhythmic beat, doing crescendos and suddenly going all quiet with just a bit of dainty spraying.

So everyday, we get a bit of sunshine, and then a bit of the rains, sometimes even floods. Then night time is anybody's guess. It is better than rain all day and all night for weeks.

It has it's purpose and I appreciate how it complements and balances our lives here in this planet. Still, as much as it's been part of my life, I just haven't been able to have just as much as a constant feeling toward it. I love it... and at times, I really can't find anything to like about it at all.

my mind trips

Circumstances give me very little opportunity to leave the space my shoe-loving feet have carved out in this minuscule place in the world where I live.

Around the city, to and from nearby beaches and vacation spots, in and out of the kids' school, shopping places, coffee places, the gym. Really, the radius my steps have been confined to, when you compare it to the frequent fliers or missionaries of this world, may seem almost insignificant. The path is worn, yet there's always more to see, so I'm not complaining. And just like a worn-out sweater, rug, blanket, or pillow it can get comfortable and safe.

There are days, though, when restlessness creeps in and my regular places aren't an option. The bathroom, which offers solace most times, loses its appeal. Even shopping becomes a chore. Then I become creative. I go tripping... in my mind.

channeling Dear Abby

"...I can't control nobody but me. So if you care, let them work it out..."

Comforting words in this Sergio Mendes song. I wish I could just let things and people be...

Is it meddling? Is it trying to run their lives? Is it attempting to delay if not completely change the course of the inevitable? People come to you and share a dilemma, a run-in or argument with someone, something that's been bugging them -- what do you do?

being still and letting life just happen

I am on a coffee break -- without the coffee. I just ran out, and no one else seems to care. I am super jonesing for it, but lacking the boost I get from it, I simply have nothing to get moving with.

There's still a bit of the breakfast and mid-morning caffeine in my system, hence the ability of my fingers to traipse over the keyboard, but I feel the birth of a nasty headache really in 8cm dilation now, so even that may be gone in a bit. My system is already on withdrawal. I hear a feeble voice in my brain calling out: I need the buzz... I need the buzz... I... neeeeeed... the... buuuuzzzzz. ! But I can't get myself to get up from where I am to get moving.

More than loving the beverage, I see this as not a good sign that I lack passion in my life -- at the moment, at least. Why do I need something like coffee to keep me going? The appeal and excitement of what I was looking as my --- the the entire fam's -- moving on to our next phase is simply not doing anything for me.

I Love NY... what the...?!

I have always dreamed of going to New York. I still dream of eventually getting there. Just a bit vaguely now. I can't remember when that bit of a dream began in my mind; I'm sure I was a child. How it got there and why I just never gave much thought to.

It must have been the influence of my Godmother, who moved to the big A when she was in her 20's -- right after she got her college degree, I believe. She would write, send postcards, send me trinkets and souvenirs, along with the usual presents for a little girl -- dolls and dresses. That must've been when I got bitten by the bug.

Hollywood films definitely did a lot to build the image in my mind into some place so intriguing I wanted to know more. Then the dream dug deep into my heart as well. As I grew, I just gravitated towards books about New York, or stories that were set there, especially as I was also growing to love ballet, theater, dining, and the cosmopolitan lifestyle.

And whadda ya know...

Be careful what you wish for...! I've been warned that too often.

In this particular case, the line is not ominous, because just as I was wishing and planning to slow things down a bit, make a few changes here and there, and commit to making lists, blessings have started come in.

Top of my lists

Along my journey of becoming who I am today -- not who I always thought I would be --, I dropped some good habits, acquired some bad habits, lost sight of the key result areas in my life, consequently neglecting to give priority to those which need attention and action from me the most.

What happened? How'd it happen? Was it in one single sweep, or did it slowly creep into my system?

I'd like to think I was organized, a bit impulsive but I had a strong head on my shoulders. A bit conceited but humble enough to acknowlege my mistakes and learn from them.

Now, just when I am supposed to be mature, at the ripe old decade when life "begins", I am generally just going with the flow, allowing myself to be swept this way and that way by life's daily dish for me, sometimes laughing the day off, sometimes, grumbling, but mostly just going, "wha...?" More appropriately, actually, I go, "what the...?!" Then on to the next day.

Is that being resilient? I don't think so. More like apathetic. Probably helpless. Or even resigned. *sigh* --- Ooops, there you go.

So today I make a decision. *enter theme from Rocky* -- I will grasp life by its flowing skirt, ride with it, but yank if I need to slow down or pause a bit. I will manually re-activate my five senses and appreciate what is happening and join in. I shall start by replacing the future tense- verbs in this paragraph. Grasping, check. Riding, check. Yanking, check. Reactivating, m-hmmm. Replaced, yes, go!