surviving the pre-Holiday rush

I have never been adept at thriving in a stressful environment. I used to break down at some point, so I've developed survival techniques that have been handy since my pre-teen years, when I was already given serious responsibilities at home. They don't include my last-resorts like smoking or going somewhere private to scream, but they have been helpful, thank God, especially during the pre-Holiday hustle and bustle.

Hey, c'mon, it's Christmas, guys!

It's officially nine days to go before Christmas. It should start to get merrier. I just missed the first Christmas party lined up this year and I really wanted to attend it. Why the heck does it all have to get bad?!

In my own little tribe in my little circle, these are the top 5 dramas that upstage the joys of Christmas:

The juggler fumbles

It has been an exhausting seven days. I have been through a roller-coaster of emotions and, as much as I attempted to stay positive, I buckled down a couple of times.

All throughout, I yearned for some quiet time, and I did finally get some at night, but there was just so much in my mind, it was hardly quiet up there!

So just to clear my mind and lighten the load on my chest, I am giving myself the benefit of these random top 5's in my mind at the moment:

Robert's Coffee Journal

When you take a sip of your favorite brew, do you actually think about what different elements came together to bring it into that delectable liquid you are consuming? Not really, huh? What do most of us know about this side of coffee anyway?

I have declared coffee as one of my passions, and it has spurned -- apart from coffee-infused blood in my veins -- a couple of blogs, which have helped keep me sane. A friend of mine from college, though, has made his passion for coffee his work, and now, through an ambitious but enviably successful project, something worth bragging about.

He is the very same coffee expert I had quoted in previous blog entries and reviews (in my "other" blogsite), recently launched a fabulous coffee table book on -- tah-dah! -- coffee!

Short of being 007

There's this new TV ad for a sound system where Daniel Craig's James Bond is standing, cool as usual, and he'd have a gun shot, an explosion, and falling debris, if I remember right, coming at him from all sides. After glancing at where he got hit, checking out the explosion behind him, pausing a bit to regain his balance, he would just keep standing there with this determined and pointed sexy but powerful glare and 007-poise, battered and all.



He reminds me of the Energizer bunny that just keeps going on and on and on. When it does stop, it's just to pause for a change of batteries, then on it goes again.

I wish I could be James Bond and the Energizer Bunny. But there are days when I believe with all my heart that it's all nice and admirable, but not happening in real life. Then I wake up and it's another day, and I have no choice but to go on again.

Here comes Christmas!

Christmas is coming! Global warming may be doing strange things to our 'seasonal' changes, no matter that they're just a couple anyway. Economics, too, make it difficult for many to stay focused and excited . That's why I'm glad that Christmas carols stay as predictable as ever. There's nothing like hearing these to herald this time of the year. Sleigh bells ringing and the mostly joyful melodies might make some panic (spending time!), but these carols almost never fail to brighten my mood, no matter how foul and no matter what time of the year. Because there are so many, I can't have only 5 faves. Here are my top 10:

lists that make you go, "hmmmm"

I failed to credit life coach Martha Beck for some of the most interesting lists I've made. These are the ones in her book, "Finding Your Own North Star".

In this book, she used the list as tools to make the reader realize some truths which were possibly hidden or buried, consciously or otherwise, and to make some sense of the life's riddles. The book, and especially the lists, greatly helped me unearth information I either refused to acknowledge or just deliberately shoved into the back of my consciousness. It was not as easy as I anticipated to complete the lists in order to get to the results I sought. But there were benefits, and though they may not have included finding my own North Star, I did succeed in getting over some painful memories and rediscovering highs of my life.

I'm sure Martha has a valid and expert reason for the order and context in which these lists came, her aim being "helping you claim the life you were meant to live" -- making your essential self rule over your social (accepted, dictated, or pre-set you) self. I believe, though, that some of these could independently be helpful, even without needing to go through the entire North Star program. Here are my top five:

when it rains -- love it, hate it.

It's raining again. I'm not surprised; it is, after all, the only other season we have apart from the summer. I should get used to it, but I just can't.

I wonder if the rains were always this way. It just never seems to rain the same way twice (to borrow a bit from an old song about love). It's weird now, because (generally, at least) we get some sunshine in the morning till after lunch, then the dark clouds start making their entrance . Then it gets so hard to breathe, the air being so humid. A few rumbles of thunder, the rush of some (and I mean some) cool air, then it starts. It either all just comes crashing down, like someone emptying a heavy bucket of water, or it plays a little rhythmic beat, doing crescendos and suddenly going all quiet with just a bit of dainty spraying.

So everyday, we get a bit of sunshine, and then a bit of the rains, sometimes even floods. Then night time is anybody's guess. It is better than rain all day and all night for weeks.

It has it's purpose and I appreciate how it complements and balances our lives here in this planet. Still, as much as it's been part of my life, I just haven't been able to have just as much as a constant feeling toward it. I love it... and at times, I really can't find anything to like about it at all.

my mind trips

Circumstances give me very little opportunity to leave the space my shoe-loving feet have carved out in this minuscule place in the world where I live.

Around the city, to and from nearby beaches and vacation spots, in and out of the kids' school, shopping places, coffee places, the gym. Really, the radius my steps have been confined to, when you compare it to the frequent fliers or missionaries of this world, may seem almost insignificant. The path is worn, yet there's always more to see, so I'm not complaining. And just like a worn-out sweater, rug, blanket, or pillow it can get comfortable and safe.

There are days, though, when restlessness creeps in and my regular places aren't an option. The bathroom, which offers solace most times, loses its appeal. Even shopping becomes a chore. Then I become creative. I go tripping... in my mind.

channeling Dear Abby

"...I can't control nobody but me. So if you care, let them work it out..."

Comforting words in this Sergio Mendes song. I wish I could just let things and people be...

Is it meddling? Is it trying to run their lives? Is it attempting to delay if not completely change the course of the inevitable? People come to you and share a dilemma, a run-in or argument with someone, something that's been bugging them -- what do you do?

being still and letting life just happen

I am on a coffee break -- without the coffee. I just ran out, and no one else seems to care. I am super jonesing for it, but lacking the boost I get from it, I simply have nothing to get moving with.

There's still a bit of the breakfast and mid-morning caffeine in my system, hence the ability of my fingers to traipse over the keyboard, but I feel the birth of a nasty headache really in 8cm dilation now, so even that may be gone in a bit. My system is already on withdrawal. I hear a feeble voice in my brain calling out: I need the buzz... I need the buzz... I... neeeeeed... the... buuuuzzzzz. ! But I can't get myself to get up from where I am to get moving.

More than loving the beverage, I see this as not a good sign that I lack passion in my life -- at the moment, at least. Why do I need something like coffee to keep me going? The appeal and excitement of what I was looking as my --- the the entire fam's -- moving on to our next phase is simply not doing anything for me.

I Love NY... what the...?!

I have always dreamed of going to New York. I still dream of eventually getting there. Just a bit vaguely now. I can't remember when that bit of a dream began in my mind; I'm sure I was a child. How it got there and why I just never gave much thought to.

It must have been the influence of my Godmother, who moved to the big A when she was in her 20's -- right after she got her college degree, I believe. She would write, send postcards, send me trinkets and souvenirs, along with the usual presents for a little girl -- dolls and dresses. That must've been when I got bitten by the bug.

Hollywood films definitely did a lot to build the image in my mind into some place so intriguing I wanted to know more. Then the dream dug deep into my heart as well. As I grew, I just gravitated towards books about New York, or stories that were set there, especially as I was also growing to love ballet, theater, dining, and the cosmopolitan lifestyle.

And whadda ya know...

Be careful what you wish for...! I've been warned that too often.

In this particular case, the line is not ominous, because just as I was wishing and planning to slow things down a bit, make a few changes here and there, and commit to making lists, blessings have started come in.

Top of my lists

Along my journey of becoming who I am today -- not who I always thought I would be --, I dropped some good habits, acquired some bad habits, lost sight of the key result areas in my life, consequently neglecting to give priority to those which need attention and action from me the most.

What happened? How'd it happen? Was it in one single sweep, or did it slowly creep into my system?

I'd like to think I was organized, a bit impulsive but I had a strong head on my shoulders. A bit conceited but humble enough to acknowlege my mistakes and learn from them.

Now, just when I am supposed to be mature, at the ripe old decade when life "begins", I am generally just going with the flow, allowing myself to be swept this way and that way by life's daily dish for me, sometimes laughing the day off, sometimes, grumbling, but mostly just going, "wha...?" More appropriately, actually, I go, "what the...?!" Then on to the next day.

Is that being resilient? I don't think so. More like apathetic. Probably helpless. Or even resigned. *sigh* --- Ooops, there you go.

So today I make a decision. *enter theme from Rocky* -- I will grasp life by its flowing skirt, ride with it, but yank if I need to slow down or pause a bit. I will manually re-activate my five senses and appreciate what is happening and join in. I shall start by replacing the future tense- verbs in this paragraph. Grasping, check. Riding, check. Yanking, check. Reactivating, m-hmmm. Replaced, yes, go!

Turning Point

So I'm now at the point where I have to stop liking where I am (a place I have grown used to), assess what I have, set a direction to take, strategize and start moving. I have no allowance for denial or procrastination.

I used to see this as an exciting phase integral to my personal development. I looked forward to making changes, especially when it became obvious that I had to move on. I had this tendency to start getting antsy once I started getting used to a place or a situation -- a really low threshold for routine. I had myself and my habits down pat, and I loved how I had a semblance of control over my life.

Living with a husband, then with kids tempered all that. I initially attempted to retain control over my new life, only to discover I can only go so far. As much as we're similar because we belong to one family, different sets of opinions and preferences abound. It used to hurt that they didn't always agree with the changes I wanted, but I've learned to accept this part of our system. It comes with the territory. Squabbles, whining, dragging of feet. Because in the end, we have to come down to a decision -- even if it has to be enforced.

So, in a way, it became more difficult to make changes. I can no longer think -- I don't like it here, time to move on. Or I like it here, I'm staying a bit. We have to move as a pack, squabbles, whining, dragging of feet and all, even if maintaining the status quo is frequently the easiest, most peaceful option. Even if the status quo is a mindless turning of morning to evening, to the next morning and so on.

So that's the place I've gotten used to. And I've developed some pretty nasty habits to keep me company, like, whirling through every day. Tiring myself out so I don't need to sit in the quiet and experience emotions beyond short bouts of gladness, irritation, anger, exhaustion.

Now, though, with more developments than I can keep track of, we have to really start making big decisions, like it or not. My... our (can't take one without the other) lives have changed tremendously the past months and we can no longer stay where we are. A part of me rejoices (I need to contradict myself here -- have been getting the antsy feeling again, I must admit) with the prospects, while another part of me dreads the process.

The kids are growing, and not just in size. Our lifestyle is changing at the same time prices are going up. We have to move to a bigger home, another city, find a new school for the girls, re-package and renew my business, have personal talks with each child, address all the emotional issues and urgent requests (or demands) ... and the clock is ticking.

I want to just stop and survey everything to better appreciate and have clearer snapshots -- or mind videos -- of all that is happening. I want to attach specific emotions to each moment. Marvel, sigh, cry a bit, cry a lot, laugh... scream even. I want to get excited. But I hear the ticking of the clock and I feel overwhelmed and pressured to keep moving and do everything to ensure everything turns out right. Arggghhhhh!

Change. I wish I could live in every step of the way -- not just get to the next phase, whirling, then wonder how I got there and mourn over what I've missed. And I intend to *enter Chariots of Fire theme*. So I'll start with something to motivate me. I'll take wise old Rafiki's word -- change is good, even if it hurts.

In search of a true summer break

We intended, as we do every year, to enjoy this summer heading out of town, hitting a beach or two, learning new things about ourselves... basically showing the kids what life's about.

I, personally, was looking forward to spending more time with the kids, especially since the first three are crossing thresholds -- they grow so much in the summer! -- and it would only be a matter of time before they favor going out with friends or even staying home surfing the Internet or watching TV over going out with me and the hubby.

Visions of blogging and journaling activities, scrapbooking (my poor daughters have been waiting several summers for this to happen... *sigh*), or even some mini writing workshops kept me excited towards the end of their school year.

As things turned out, we have had some wake-up call situations to address first before even planning all these activities. Amidst the daily routine, squabbles, and adjustments to those going through hormonal and emotional adjustments in our household (more of this in my next blogs), hovering over our heads this summer is the urgent need to find good schools for our daughters to transfer to.

While we rejoice that our son, the eldest, has made it into one of the most prestigious exclusive traditional high schools after years in a non-traditional, artistic, laid-back and tolerant environment, we are apprehensive about making choices for the girls.

For our boy, the move is like stepping into another level in his life. The change is a good thing that'll put an end to long hair, dirty jeans and sneakers, for starters. It's time for some discipline to balance and prepare him for real life where it's not always okay to just be and do "whatever". That he will not necessarily always be in a secure, small fishbowl, but may sometimes find himself swimming with the big guys in an ocean.

During the emotionally moving graduation of our son last month, the value of moving on with friends you've known all your school life hit me. While the timing was right for him, our girls, on the other hand, will be pulled out of this small, relatively carefree and creatively nurturing environment, into what could possibly be a traumatic place. Our older daughter has two whole school years to go before high school, while the other has three. One is assertive, headstrong, impulsive and adventurous, the other obedient, docile, and in many ways still a baby.

This younger one, has grown very attached to classmates she has known since nursery school. The older one, while pretty tight with her posse, sees meeting new people and being in a new place like an adventure. She's even excited!

But, see, there's that possibility that the move might make an impact they don't need at this stage (you know what happens to new students in many schools). That they develop properly into their respective teenage phases with the least emotional and psychological trauma, is such a huge responsibility we never expected to address at this point, but it has been -- is it right to say, dumped? -- put into our lives nonetheless, and we must get on with making these enormous and delicate choices. And summer's not going to be here forever.... arggghhhhh!

It's been a long rollercoaster of a day with trips to the dentist, a drive back and forth to a party and sleepover -- one of our son's, "this may be the last time we will get together like this in years!" celebrations, tyding up the house, and racing to meet work deadlines. Now it's back to preparing dinner, one of life's daily realities! I'm in danger of putting off the task of planning this school hunt again.

I need to take a step... two steps!... back and go to the why's and the wherefore's. Put it all in perspective, and aim to make a sound judgement. I'll probably be able to sort it all out in my next break. Oops.

My five minutes in the bathroom

I was once assigned to write about moments of solitude, and the good they do to a person. Researching for the writeup yielded pages upon pages of wise, enlightening and beneficial information on the topic. I had quotes from Jesus, philosophers, historical figures, Nobel Prize winning authors, self-help gurus, a children's book character, and even Stevie Wonder.

His song, Superwoman, gave me the starting point for the writeup. I didn't use it in the context of the entire song, but some lines definitely hit me:

"Mary wants to be superwoman
But is that really in her head
But I just want to live each day to
love herfor what she
is...

"My woman want to be a superwoman
And I just had to say good-bye
Because I can't spend all my hours
start to cry."

The man went on and on lamenting about his woman, and needless to say, the end didn't seem very bright for the two.

In another story, this time from the Bible, Jesus chides busy-bee Martha, who, unlike her sister Mary who chose to sit by His feet to listen and just be with Him, went about stressing, just so their house would be just so, and the meal will be prepared right, etc., etc., etc. When she complained about how her sister wasn't helping, he replied, "Martha, Martha..."

I hear that chiding when I am spinning around trying to accomplish everything I set myself to do. In the end, I wonder how I get so exhausted when nothing much seems to have been done.

I thank God for little moments of solitude, which, on bad days, can really literally be the five minutes in the bathroom Mrs. Large, the mother Elephant in the children's book "Five Minutes' Peace", implored her children to give her. They pounded on the other side of the door with all sorts of excuses to get her to open the door.


Many times, the pending stuff can wait, even the text messages, Emails, piles of dishes, a full clothes hamper, even when it drives me out of my mind -- the O.C. place in my mind, that is. This pause is for good cause, too. A break doesn't have to be in a spa, a salon, a spiritual retreat. Just some time to be alone, and hear what my mind, heart, and body are saying. Five minutes of solitude can be powerful that way. After that, I'm ready for the next round.

when instant coffee has to do

I am missing the soothing richness of a grande soy mocha at the moment. As a rule, there should be no substituting a real cup of coffee, but oftentimes you are faced with not having a choice. On some days, I actually can do with a three-in-one instant cappuccino mix. It does the trick, and I am instantly comforted, awakened, and raring to get back to the day -- or night -- facing me.

I am challenged, though, with making my own mix of instant coffee, some non-dairy creamer, and sugar... Should I skip the sugar, like I normally do? But taste-wise, an unsweetened cup of instant coffee is just so blahhh. It lasts longer, though. Because I don't really enjoy the beverage, I can hold on to the cup for a much longer time. Till it's cold, oftentimes.

It would be so nice if things -- and situations -- were just made out for you to work with, live by, enjoy. During times when I just need a break, having to put together a perfect mix recipe just beats the whole concept of a taking a break and seeking comfort and renewal from something that you depend on to be there for you. Even if it's just a coffee fix.

But, the situation as it is, and supplies being as they are at the moment, I need a break, I need a wake-me-upper, and instant coffee will have to do.

where's my coffee?

What would my day be without my first cup of coffee? How would I make it through without the next cups to sustain me? And, most puzzling of all -- although I am currently not seeking to solve the mystery --, how do I get some zzzz's without my sleepy-time dose?

I don't know if that's what has made my life today what it is, but I know I need my coffee.

It would be grand if blogging will help elevate my java time into something more productive. It certainly will put two of my top fave things to do -- have coffee and write -- together. What would make it really fab is getting some sense of perspective, order, and excitement from this new step I'm taking.

Here's to the start of my new coffee cocktail: get a whiff, have a sip, type-type-type, pause, reflect... etc., etc., etc.


What matters most at the moment is that I have finally gotten myself to begin blogging, whooohoooo! Thanks to my cup of coffee. Yummm.